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Refuge
I have wanted to write.
Over the last year the words have felt thick, stuck together like honey, making it impossible to separate them into a logical sentence.
A sputtering inspiration, fluttering out of reach as I grasp at it uselessly. My reading of the Word dry, verses that instantly vanish from memory.
What does one do when the vast scape of creativity suddenly becomes dark and indiscernible? What to do when the reading of God’s Word feels futile?
The world tells me to look inside and dig deep into the ether of my soul. It doesn’t work. I’ve tried it in the past, before I had learned better. All it does is stir up the silt, making the waters murky and swirl with more chaos the more I look in.
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A single unfinished prayer has been on my lips these last months. Oh Lord… I lean on those two words, for they are all my weary heart can manage. Oh Lord, and I trust that He knows the rest. And there, in response to the words hanging in the air, I hear a hymn I recently discovered rise from the depths:
Jesus, lover of my soul,
let me to thy bosom fly,
while the nearer waters roll,
while the tempest still is high;
hide me, O my Savior, hide,
till the storm of life is past;
safe into the haven guide,
O receive my soul at last!Other refuge have I none;
hangs my helpless soul on thee;
leave, ah! leave me not alone,
still support and comfort me.
All my trust on thee is stayed,
all my help from thee I bring;
cover my defenseless head
with the shadow of thy wing.Plenteous grace with thee is found,
grace to cover all my sin;
let the healing streams abound;
make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art;
freely let me take of thee;
spring thou up within my heart,
rise to all eternity.I find myself clinging to words written by another when my own hands can’t find what to write. My heart sings hymns of truth while my mind struggles to hold the Word. I need refuge, and the One who made all things offers it.
Hymns have found a special place for me this season. As I struggle through the mire of life, I find the words of hymns come readily to me, reminding me of Who I can run to. This season may be dry, and a constant fight to remain faithful and hold to Jesus, but I trust He will carry me through. The words will return to me in time, as they have in years past. The Word will become a delight to savour again, my prayers filled easily and fully. Until then, I will sing to God my Saviour.
“How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.”
Psalm 36:7I leave you with one other hymn I recently learned, called Come Ye Sinners, Poor and Needy:
Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus ready stands to save you,
full of pity, love, and pow’r.Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
true belief and true repentance,
every grace that brings you nigh.Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
lost and ruined by the fall;
if you tarry till you’re better,
you will never come at all.Lo! th’incarnate God, ascended,
pleads the merit of His blood;
venture on Him, venture wholly;
let no other trust intrude.I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
In the arms of my dear Savior
Oh, there are ten thousand charms -
Weekend Reading
Welcome to Weekend Reading! I have put together a small collection of articles I’ve read recently that I have found challenging and encouraging. I pray they challenge and encourage you as well!
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This piece by John Piper was just what I needed to hear. Being married has made me think of what comes in heaven. Do we cease to mean anything to our spouse then? Will My Spouse Be My Best Friend In Heaven?
Glenna writes with the wisdom of lived experience. Suffering and joy do seem to go hand in hand, and through it all our Father holds us: Joy in the Morning
Kristin from The Palest Ink always seems to post just what I need to hear. I’ve recently been reflecting on “redeeming time”, since a ladies bible study I attend touched on it. This particular piece of writing from Kristin touches on a similar thought: To Say Yes Is To Also Say No
This put all my thoughts into words: To the Woman Who’s Thinking of Quitting Church. I’ve seen many young women that I used to know, or others on social media leave the church because of painful things that have happened to them. It breaks my heart, but this piece said it so well!
I came across this article through the recommendation of a writer I follow. I hope it encourages you as much as it encouraged me: Though My Flesh May Fail: Reflections on Chronic Suffering from the Hospital Bed
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These Days Are Good Too
My wedding anniversary is fast approaching, and I’ve been taking some time to reflect on almost one year married. I recently found this little piece of writing I wrote around this time last year, and thought I would share:
“As I write this, I am one week away from my wedding. I will soon be standing in front of friends and family, making a covenant between my fiancé, myself, and God. I almost wish the days could go by faster so I could begin my married life. I can’t wait to spend my days with my best friend, serving God together, and creating a home. I find myself filled with anticipation, hope, and, honestly, a little anxiety as the date draws closer. The days have slipped away quietly these last few weeks, and it’s hard to believe I’m in the final countdown now.
This last week I’ve been increasingly reflecting on my childhood, those beautiful golden days full of light and laughter. Finding myself constantly looking back to the past, and forward to what’s coming, I’ve forgotten to look around each day and live it fully. I’ve had the sudden realization that these days I’m in now, and this specific time of life is coming to an end.
It’s easy to get lost in the expectation of what’s coming, isn’t it? I want to remember these days. I want to hit pause and look around and cherish this special time. These last days leading up to my wedding day are busy and stressful as we navigate all the last details of pulling a wedding together. There have been arguments, tears, and moments of doubt as everything has seemed to go wrong in every direction. But, even so, I am reminded that these days are good too. These are the last days God is giving me as a single woman, and the relationship I have with my family will soon be changing. I want to make sure I hold them close and use each day wisely.
As much as I am looking forward to the all the new things God is giving me, I want to ensure I appreciate the old things that are passing away. God gave me specific things to hold until now, and the time is soon approaching to open my hands and offer them back to Him. I have had such a blessed life living with my family. As I’ve dealt with chronic illness, my parents have always been my safety net, the ones to care and love me all these years. And now, I will be leaving the shelter of my parents and moving into a new home under the care of my husband. It’s strange to think of such a drastic change as this will be. I look at my siblings, who I have never lived very far from for very long. The late night movies with them, the midnight talks. Living in the country. Sleeping alone in my bed. These things are all coming to an end. I want to hold each of them until I step into the new things God has for me. As I look ahead want to make sure I remember these days, how good these last days are, even though they are stressful and busy and hard. These days are good too.”
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I don’t have much to say, other than have you pondered on that? Graduating, going to university, first dates, getting engaged, a new career, marriage, babies, new houses… the list goes on of good things that we can get wrapped up in the anticipation for. I don’t think it’s wrong to look forward to those things that God is blessing us with (or we are praying He will bless us with), but have we forgotten what He’s given us right now?
Life goes by quickly, new chapters opening and closing without us really noticing. God gives us many good gifts, so take this as a gentle reminder to not forget what you are holding now as you see what new blessing He is bringing your way.
These days are good too.
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hard pressed
I found myself kneeling on the shower floor, forehead pressed against the glass. Deep sorrow poured over me just as the water did, soaking me through. I reigned my sobs in, quiet in the noise of the shower, tears squeezing through my tightly shut eyes. The burdens pressed so heavily on my shoulders I was unable to do anything but weep softly, my hands resting on my knees with palms open to the Lord in pleading. Oh Father, I cannot carry this sorrow any longer, I feel crushed beneath it. No words came that seemed to capture the pain welling up from my heart, and I felt some comfort knowing that the Holy Spirit would intercede on my behalf, carrying my unspoken words to the Father.
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There has been so much pain in my life lately, and all around me. I know it has touched many of us, and seems to be hitting closer to home with each passing day. Financial burdens and insecurity, long term illness, unsaved family and friends, unemployment, losing loved ones, chronic pain, and relational problems…the list of things that those I love and care about are going through feels endless. The world feels like it’s crashing down around us, leaving us broken and dirty, with wounds bleeding out into the dust of what life once was.
It can be a lonely place.
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I find my mind drawn to someone else in a lonely place. Hagar, alone in the desert, after fleeing from painful circumstances that were mostly out of her control. God met her there, at the spring in the desert by the road to Shur. He didn’t take her away from the suffering, but sent her back into it. Before He did that though, He told her what would come from her current painful circumstances, and in response, she called him El Roi, the God who sees and who is near. Do you see the parallel, dear one? Our God is unchanging, as ever present now as He was back in the Old Testament. He still draws near to us as we reach out in the darkness of our situation. He still hears us when we cry out to him in the depths of our pain and suffering.
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Have you, like me, found yourself crying out to God, asking him to help you, to remove the suffering you are enduring, as you can no longer carry it? He does not always take us out of that trial, but sometimes, like Hagar, we are told that He would have us stay. You can be certain, though, that He will be faithful in His refining.
Suffering in the life of a believer serves a very important purpose. Our suffering is never meaningless, and even if we never know why we went through a certain trial, we can know with certainty that God completed what He had for that time. God has promised to finish every good work in our lives, and sometimes those good things only come from the hardest of circumstances. The trials we go through refine us, making us more like Christ as we grow and mature in our faith.
He will bend us farther than we thought we could bend.
He will lead us through more trials than we thought we could endure.
He will push us past our limits to when we thought we would break, and find that we don’t.
And when he stops bending us, we find he took us farther than we could imagine, led us into deeper relationship with Himself, discover that He was faithful through it, and that He held us through all we endured. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:8).
When you think there can be no way you can make it through, and you feel so lonely, lean on Him, dear one. Lean into the One who knows all things. Read the Word and let it be soothing balm on a weary heart. When the burdens can’t be shared with others because they are not yours to speak of, know that He sees them, He is willing to shoulder them too. He will sustain you through this. El Roi, the God who draws near. Draw near to Him, let Him hold your broken heart together, and take one more step in faithfulness and obedience. “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” (Romans 15:4). You are not walking this road alone, have hope in the One whose power is made perfect in our weakness.
When we reach the end of ourselves, we come to the wonderful place of understanding how much we need the Father. We can pour from an empty cup, because He is the one who never runs dry. He keeps going when we no longer can.
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Many things have changed since that first time I found myself on the floor of the shower. Some of my sufferings have eased since then, and others have been added. I’ve found myself in the same place as well, crying out to God over the same and new trials. He has also shown me firsthand that His mercies are new every morning. I’ve learned to rest more fully in His sovereign care. He’s wrought something out of me that never would have been born if not for His careful guidance of trials in my life. I have been hard pressed, and not crushed. Not because of me, but only because of Him. If you find you are also in the refiners fire, know that it will bring great beauty for His glory. As He has done, and continues to do for me, He will do for you. Rest in Him.
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
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-Weekend Reading (May 14-15)
Life has been full lately, so while I slowly work away at my own writing, I thought I would share some other bloggers writing that has been challenging and encouraging to me :
What We Pray in the Dark
As I struggle with my own health problems and increasing pain, I found such comfort and encouragement in this post.Hearty Laughter as an Act of Faith
I also have a rather large laugh, so this was a fun read!Are You Godly Enough to Watch Smut?
Tim Challies hit the nail on the head with this one, and it’s an issue that I’ve pondered many times in the last few years. Short, but a good reminder!A More Bible-Saturated Me: How the Word Revives Women
I was so convicted reading this, as I have been neglecting my time in God’s Word in recent days. Written beautifully, and by one of my favourite writers.Hot Fires & Deep Waters
Kristin always writes so wonderfully, and this post was so encouraging. Suffering is inevitable, but we can suffer well, as highlighted throughout this piece.What have you been reading lately that has encouraged you?
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We Will Remember
“My shoes click softly on the stone floor, the cool air refreshing on my still warm skin from the summer sun shining outside these walls. It’s peaceful here, and our voices are soft in response to the muted quiet of this old English church. My eyes dance across the walls to row upon row of names carved in stone, the boys who had left their hometown and never came back. They were younger than me now, many of them only seventeen when they were buried.”
Stow-on-the-Wold, St. Edward’s Church, 2015–
I think of how much more life I have been given already, at only 24 years old. I’m newly married now, and have my own home. So many of those young men who went to fight never had the chance to fall in love, get married, build a home or have children. And yet, because of their sacrifice, those are the very things I have the opportunity to have.
No, I will not forget. I will remember those who have given their lives. I will remember those who went and came back, like my grandfather. I will continue to pray for the friends and family I have that are in service now.
Today I am humbled and grateful, as I am every year as we stop to honour those who have given so much. We will remember.
In Flanders Fields
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
-John McCrae
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A Chicken, Sorrow, and the Resurrection of a Saviour
“The hen died.” “Lady Cluck?” “Yeah, this morning.” My heart sank, hoping for a minute that it wasn’t true. This particular hen had been sick for a few days, and with not much in the way of treatment, considering there was no apparent reason for her illness, we cuddled her up in the garage with fresh straw and many treats to see if she’d pull through.
In the last couple years of owning chickens, this is our first hen to die, and our first chicken to die from illness. With steaming cup of coffee in hand, I sat on the couch to grieve the passing of Lady Cluck. She was a funny little character, running happily up to us in the yard to ask for a treat, scratching exuberantly in the straw and grass, and laying pretty pale pink eggs. She may have only been a chicken, but each of our animals are easily recognized and her untimely death is a bitter pill to swallow.
Her loss made me stop again to ponder on this fallen world. This place we call home is so very broken. So many of us escape to nature, seeking peace and calm, but even there sin has permeated and destroyed. The earth faces decay, disease, loss of life. Like it says in Romans 8, all creation groans under the weight of sin. A small hen, that we would call innocent, dies because we brought sin into this world. Creation awaits its own restoration eagerly, just as we await Christ’s second return.
As we come towards Easter, I can’t help but see the need for the Saviour all the more. Everything around us bears the marks of sin, impacted and pushed far from all that this world and we were supposed to be. But God made it possible for us to be right before Him, the Holy God, Creator of the universe. How is it that He sent His beloved Son here, here to this place of pain? A place aptly called the vale of tears? Because of His great love.
“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
1 John 4:9-10In spite of everything we’ve done against Him, and everything we’ve done against the creation He gave us to care for, the Creator gave us a way to be redeemed. Through Christ, and His death on the cross, we have been made right before the Father. We have the hope of eternity, that we will leave this painful world behind and live in the presence of God forever.
So, I feel a bittersweet assurance as I wait to celebrate the resurrection of the Saviour. A small chicken’s death may show me our broken world more clearly and fill me with sorrow at all we have lost, but I also have the hope of all that God has given us, and will give us in the new heaven and earth.
When those small sorrows come your way, those daily reminders that this world has fallen, may you see all the more clearly the wonderful, surpassing love of our Saviour. Good Friday has already come, and while we mourn Christ’s death now, we wait for tomorrow and the remembrance and celebration of His resurrection.
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:1-10 -
Gentle Reminders
*I am not a therapist or counselor, and I am explaining my own personal experience. If you are struggling with trauma, I would encourage you to see a trained professional for help.
My mind begins to go over that one particularly distressing memory. In this moment, forgiveness only does so much to erase its power on me. The dull ache presses up into my chest, making it difficult to breathe. Like a panicked hare, my thoughts jump haphazardly from one thought to the next. As I focus in on one element of the trauma too long…hard glitch. My tic comes in hard and fast. Glitch. Jump. Focus. Glitch. Jump. Focus. With every jump and tic, I spiral more into the anxious pattern. My heart rate begins accelerating, causing me to overheat quickly, and my hands twitch nervously in my lap. And then… a quiet reminder:
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Think about such things. Yes, think about what is lovely… my heart is finding it difficult, but I will try. Today I can start small. What, my friends, is lovely today?
The crisp blue Alberta sky. The fluffy white clouds drifting lazily by. The bare oak branches reaching heavenward. The clear winter sunshine. The small birds flitting in the trees. And yes, the small gentle reminders that even in this pain, I have a faithful heavenly Father who sees and shares in it all.
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Where in your life have you felt the quiet leading of the Holy Spirit lately?
Much love,
Sarah
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Weekend Reading (Jan 23-24)
Hello, friends! I am starting a new semi-regular post called Weekend Reading, a collection of articles and blogs that I’ve recently read that I felt were worth sharing. So, without further ado, welcome to this weekends list!
Should I Be Content with My Singleness?
I loved this author’s take on being godly in singleness.
Obsessed: Canada’s Coercive Diplomacy
I watched this premiere, featuring David Mulroney and Obianuju Ekeocha, with my sister, and it was very eye opening. As a Canadian, I am ashamed at how my government is pushing an agenda on other countries under the guise of aid. Definitely worth a watch.
Christmas may be over, but this look at the historical context of December 25 was fascinating.
How pornography is preying on the vulnerable in the midst of Covid-19
As Covid-19 continues around the world, this more hidden side of its effects was heartbreaking to read.
I may not be close to thirty yet, but there is still so much truth to glean from this post. Well worth the read!
This was a beautiful look at what biblical femininity is. I will say that I don’t believe every woman has to be an excellent homemaker, but this does have some strong points on embracing biblical womanhood.
Why Won’t God End My Suffering?
As someone who deals with a chronic illness, I found this to be incredibly hopeful and encouraging.
Wishing you all wonderful weekend!
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When Singleness Hurts
I was single during all of my teen years, and into my early 20’s. I know that me dating someone now at twenty-four is still pretty young, but I would ask that you don’t immediately discount what I have to say in this post.
Do you ever find that articles on singleness often seem to come from people who are married? Or written from the angle that you are just in some season of waiting before prince charming arrives? Yeah, I’ve found that too. This post isn’t one of those, because in my opinion, we already have too many of them. So, what do I have to say? Let’s get into it…
Singleness sucks sometimes. I don’t want to shy away from the fact that being single often isn’t easy. We can talk about the blessings of being single, but let’s be honest, sometimes it just sucks. It can be lonely. It can be painful when we see the engagement pictures on social media as all our friends and family start to get married. And frankly, it hurts when people look at you with the ‘still single?’ question showing in their eyes. It can make us question ourselves, and worse, question God and His goodness. That leads into my next point:
God isn’t afraid of our feelings. If you are feeling resentment, bitterness, anger or any other negative emotion toward your singleness, go to God in prayer and tell Him. God is not hurt by your honesty on how you feel. He already knows what is in your heart, so tell Him the truth and ask Him to take those feelings and replace them with the things of Himself. Even though these feelings are completely understandable (because we are human and therefore sinful), they aren’t right. We ultimately need to remember that God gives and takes away out of His immense love for us. Don’t let your resentment at being single turn you away from God, but fully admit to your feelings and find healing. Our relationship with God is far more important than any other relationship on this earth. Don’t forget that God is the only one who ever fulfills us, sustains us, and makes life worth living for. Turn to him, knowing that He is there to ask for help in changing your heart attitude.
Where is your focus? The next point is checking where our focus is. This ties a little into the above point. Anger, bitterness and resentment all embody the belief that we have been treated unfairly or wrongly. These feelings, left unchecked, can lead us into doubting God’s goodness and His care for us. These emotions are very real, but we also need to remember who God is. God has not cheated you nor wronged you. Has the focus turned inward and on what we think is best for our happiness? Do we truly believe in the goodness of God and His sufficiency, trusting Him to carry us through? Our worth comes from Him alone, not our relationship status. We don’t need someone else to prove to us our attractiveness and worth. It’s hard to ask God for peace in being single when you feel anything but peace with it, I know!
Singleness isn’t a lesser blessing. There will most likely be times when the benefits of being single are easy to see, and some days the fog of discontentment lays heavy on our hearts. It’s why we need to be in our bibles, seeking the truth God reveals about himself, and praying for Him to change our hearts. Remember to preach His truth to your own heart. Marriage is a blessing, yes, but so is singleness. God hasn’t given you a lesser blessing. This point ties into the next one:
Christ completes you, not your spouse. Ever heard of looking for your other half, or searching for your soulmate? It’s not true. We are not half people walking around, we were created as a whole person, to be completed in Christ alone. It’s why the Bible says two become one in marriage, not two halves become one. No relationship or person will ever be able to complete you or be sufficient; only God can truly fill the desires of your heart.
Growth is rarely linear. Being content, let alone feeling gratitude, in singleness is something that we train for. It doesn’t usually come naturally and is often a journey filled with hard work. Don’t get discouraged if growth comes slowly at times. I’ve found that as I learn and grow, and often when I think I’ve finally got it, God puts it to the test. Don’t forget to use those opportunities to build on the foundation God is laying on your heart.
Singleness isn’t a ‘season’. Ever heard that you’re just in a season? The reason I don’t like this type of comment is because it feeds the expectation that everyone gets married. Being single is not something that needs to be fixed in order for you to live the best or most fulfilled life. Don’t wait until you get married (if that’s God plan for you) to live your life. If you knew for sure you wouldn’t be married for the next five years, what would you do with that time? This is a good question to ask if you aren’t sure if you are waiting to live. How did you answer it? Are you living, or are you waiting to start?
Now, I will also add that it’s okay to be sad that you are single and mourn the fact that God hasn’t placed someone in your life. Singleness hurts sometimes. It can be hard to navigate. It can be extremely lonely, not only because you aren’t in a relationship, but also because it can feel like everyone else is. Ultimately though, I hope you see how you are complete in Christ, regardless of whether you get married or not. The relationship you have with God is the most important relationship you will ever have, above everything else this life has to offer.
Take the time to appreciate what God HAS given you. From a heart that knows gratitude grows a heart that is content. There are so many opportunities given to single people, not only in our walk with Christ, but in our everyday life. Marriage changes priorities (rightly so), and different opportunities are given in exchange of previous ones. Don’t waste what God has given you now, in dreaming of what he might give you later.
I encourage you to be in the Word, cultivating a heart that rejoices in God’s goodness and seeking a heart filled with gratitude. When we continue to fill our minds with the truth of God, our heart attitude changes to reflect Christ more and more. Contentment is a long lasting, deep satisfaction and gratitude to our loving heavenly Father, who gives good gifts to His children.
When singleness hurts, I pray you remember this truth: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)
Much love,
Sarah
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More Than A Sparrow 