More Than A Sparrow

  • Momentary Disconnection

    The wifi can’t connect and it seems that I am for a moment lost.
    What is it that we did before this age of continual connection?
    How is it that I, I who claim to be so free of the addiction of my phone, feel the loss of the connection so acutely?
    How is it that I allowed myself to be drawn in by this brightly lit screen?
    It seems that all this small inanimate object has promised I have believed so unquestioningly, giving it my time and attention.
    Why is it that I never wonder who owns who?
    And why is it that we spend so much more of our day mindlessly scrolling rather than seeing what is around us?
    I blame my lack of creativity and spirit on my job, my tiredness, my days that are too busy, when I’m beginning to wonder if it is something much smaller than that.
    Something perhaps more undetectable, unseen even if we spend most of our time staring at it.
    Perhaps it’s not those outside stressors that eat away at my motivation, my drive for success, my zest for life.
    Perhaps it’s this phone, the one that isn’t connected.

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  • Easter Sunday

    He is risen!

     Oh, what a happy day in the Christian faith, as we celebrate our Saviour’s resurrection!

    “Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, ‘They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!’
    So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus’ head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)

    Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.
    They asked her, ‘Woman, why are you crying?’
    ‘They have taken my Lord away,’ she said, ‘and I don’t know where they have put him.’
    At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
    ‘Woman,’ he said, ‘why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?’
    Thinking he was the gardener, she said, ‘Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.’
    Jesus said to her, ‘Mary.’
    She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, ‘Rabboni!’ (which means Teacher).
    Jesus said, ‘Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.”
    Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: ‘I have seen the Lord!’ And she told them that he had said these things to her.

    …

    Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’
    But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks on his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.’
    A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’
    Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’
    Thomas said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’
    Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’
    Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.’

    John 20: 1-18, 24-31

  • Life Lately


    “Bogged down. Stressed. Anxious. Suffocated.
    I feel like I’m fighting for each breath.
     Suffocating, taking each day slowly as it drags me down. Just trying to survive, forget about thrive. I survive each day, but do I live it?”
    I wrote that on February 2. How dismal, isn’t it? I felt so hopeless, so drained of life. Seeing what I wrote then and seeing how I feel now, I can see how much has changed. Often I feel like I’m never growing, stagnant and drowning. It’s hard to see change when it comes ever so slowly. 
    I am still struggling to keep my head up, but I know that I’m coming out of the depression I suffered this winter. Spring is coming and I feel the joy and excitement of the changing seasons. Even though I know the depression will come back soon enough, as it always does, I feel hope for better things. I feel like the fog is starting to dissipate and like I am actually aware of the things going on around me. And the biggest thing is that I feel. Looking back, I was having a hard time feeling anything. It was that strange paradox of feeling nothing and absolutely everything all at the same time. Though I still feel like that at times, I know I’m improving. 
    It’s so good to know that I am doing better. Seeing my progress from even just a couple months ago gives me hope. Having felt so low for so long was a lonely and hopeless place to be. I didn’t think I’d ever get past it, and that I had to accept my depression and anxiety as my new normal. Even though I have suffered from anxiety since I was two (no joke) and it really has been my normal, I am so excited to be making progress, no matter how slow. Depression also has been very prevalent in my life, but there too I am making strides in managing it.
    So, dear readers, that has been my life lately. A time of changing seasons, much the same as the seasons changing here in Canada. Winter has given way to Spring, and all is beginning to stir. I am so grateful for my family having supported me during this last bout of mental illness, but ultimately I must give all praise to God for having carried me when I could no longer stand. This season of my life I have had to realize that I can’t do everything on my own. I can’t always push through and make it, I can’t rely on my own strength. Because sometimes (more like always) my strength fails and runs out; sometimes I can’t keep pushing on and make it, but God can. He is so much stronger than I. Maybe you are going through  a hard time in your life, and you aren’t sure where to turn. I hope that you will seek the strength of the One who made you, and find comfort in Him.
    “I lift my eyes to the hills-
         where does my help come from?
    My help comes from the Lord,
          the Maker of heaven and earth.”

                   Psalm 121: 1-2

    Much love,

    Sarah

     
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  • On Beauty

    I love makeup. I have ever since I was little and I would wander through drugstore makeup isles, staring in awe at the tubes of lipstick and brightly coloured eyeshadow. I still have the first bullet of lipstick I ever bought, from a clearance bin at Walmart. It’s a deep plum sort of colour, with a hint of shimmer. I was probably around 8 or 9 and I wanted it so badly, even though I knew I would never be allowed out of the house wearing it. It was so pretty! I remember going home and trying it on and feeling beautiful. When I was in my early teens I was allowed to buy a small eyeshadow palette with four colours in it. There was this beautiful pearly off-white, a pale browny bronze with a light shimmer, a medium matte brown, and a dark brown that also had a hint of shimmer. I actually still love the colours in it. It was the perfect neutral palette. I was now allowed to wear mascara at this point, as long as it wasn’t too noticeable. How grownup and pretty I felt!
    Beautiful. When I was little I thought I was beautiful because all girls and women are. At some point though I decided I wasn’t. I don’t look like the women in magazines. I don’t have the classic face, or even the ‘modern’ look. I’m me. And I decided that I didn’t measure up because I didn’t look like those pretty ladies. I couldn’t accept the way I looked because it is so very different than everyone else I knew. I have a face that contains many of the ‘flaws’ that magazines tell you how to disguise. I struggled to feel attractive when everywhere I looked I was being told I was anything but.  I looked in the mirror and the face that looked back at me was too square, the eyelids too hooded, the lips too small, the eyes too brown. I wasn’t the girl with big blue eyes and oval face, with killer cheekbones and full lips. I hated myself for it. I tried to hide my perceived flaws with makeup, trying to escape the skin I was in. I had an unhealthy obsession with beauty, wishing to be anyone but me. My life was wrapped up in my appearance. 
    It’s been a long journey to come to the place where I have a healthy relationship with makeup. I don’t use it to hide myself anymore. Now l use makeup to enhance my features or to play around with and have fun. I still struggle sometimes with the girl who looks back at me in the mirror. I’ve learned to accept (mostly) my features as how God wanted me to look. He didn’t make a mistake. I may not see my true beauty, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. God created me, he is the one looking at me right now, seeing my potential. Beauty is so much more than what you look like. 
    “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
                                                    Psalm 31: 30
    A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised…I want to be that woman. I don’t want to be wrapped up in how unattractive I think I look. I have so much more to live for and I am worth so much more than my appearance. It’s so hard to be real when you are constantly being bombarded with shallow headlines and advice. Honestly, this journey to discovering my true beauty and worth has not been easy. I’ve struggled almost daily to not hate myself for how I look. I struggle with guilt because of how shallow I am. Good thing God hasn’t given up on me, because I certainly have given up on myself before! It’s when I struggle again with my appearance I think, “Seriously? Again? You should be way past this by now.” I am definitely a work in progress, with positive steps forward and sometimes backsliding. 
    “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
    My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
    Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.”
    Psalm 139: 14-16
    Wonderfully made. We are all so very special. God created YOU to be who you are. What you look like, your personality and all the things that make you you are what God wanted. He made you who you are specifically. It took me so long to see that I had been created with purpose and with a plan. How freeing it is to go out and not worry what I look like! Our beauty is so much more than our appearance, as I’m slowly learning each day. It’s the fact that we were made in the image of God that makes us beautiful.
    If you feel unworthy of being called attractive, if you roll your eyes when someone says you’re pretty or laugh it off, if you hate what you look like when you stare into the mirror, I hope and pray you come to the place where you can see your true beauty. I hope you can come to the place where you can understand in your heart, as well as in your mind, that beauty has very little to do with how hot your body is or how pretty your face is. Your beauty comes from what is inside and who God has created you to be. And that is beautiful.
    Xoxo,
    Sarah

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  • Running Blind



    I ran through the dark hallway; blind, as the barest amounts of light reaches this area. I know the way though and ran without fear. It made me pause for a moment as I heard my feet running along, how I felt no hesitation. I was not concerned that I would run into anything or hit the wall. I trusted myself completely. 
    Why is it that I can fully trust myself (and I am so completely flawed and broken), yet find it so hard to trust the One who made me? I hesitate in my walk with Him, questioning His judgements and generally just afraid that if I follow in all that He asks of me, I will fall. He made me and I don’t trust Him? When I think about it, it really makes no sense. He loves me so very much, He wants what is good for me, and desires me to follow Him wholeheartedly. Why is it so difficult? Seriously, I wish I didn’t hesitate to follow His guidance. I wish I could run with as much confidence as I run down the hallway, and I wish I could trust Him as much as I trust myself and run with complete abandon toward His grace. Why am I not trusting my Saviour as much as I should? I’ve been asking myself that question for a while now, striving to discover the answer in my heart. 
    It’s not an easy question to answer. I’m not sure there really is an answer, other than the fact that I am human and my faults run deep. It continually amazes me that God never gets tired of us. I have this constant struggle to trust Him more. Often I don’t even think about how I am taking control of my life and depending on myself instead of Christ. If I say that I have given my life to the Lord, why do I keep taking it back? 
    I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Mainly I just want to say that we all struggle with different things. I wrestle with control. I have trust issues with my Saviour. It all seems so absurd when I pause to think about it. I think that’s with any sin though. We continually fall into our different sin patterns even though the Son of God has set us free. We fall flat on our faces. We keep our ‘special’ sins, not allowing God to have control of all areas of our life.  It’s as if we think we can hide our sins from Him who sees everything in us. Sometimes these sins are things we loath about ourselves, or sometimes they are things we just don’t want to give up. Sometimes we do things almost subconsciously and stray from the word of God. 
    “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”
                                    James 4: 1
    My desires are definitely battling within me. How I long to break free from the grasp of my sin! My friends, pray for the Spirit to set you free. You are in a battle; who will win? God has not left you to fend for yourself, He is right there in the middle of the chaos and mess to lend a hand. Reach for Him today, take the time to read in His Word. He hasn’t turned His face away, He is waiting to help you. All you have to do is admit you have been wrong, ask for His forgiveness and help, and wait on Him.
    “Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why the Scripture says:
                    ‘God opposes the proud
                    but gives grace to the humble.’
    Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your heart, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change you laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
                                    James 4: 4b-10
    So, to end this post, I encourage you to seek His face. I find it difficult to search Him out when I know I am in the wrong and am struggling with sin in my life, but this is the time to do it! Don’t wait, I can’t stress enough how important it is to deal with the brokenness in our lives before we have allowed ourselves to move so far from Christ that it feels as if He has abandoned us. I really do know what I am talking about, I have seen it played out in my own life hundreds of times. I’ll be struggling with something, but instead of dealing with it and spending time with Jesus I allow myself to drift away. Before I know it I’ve created a huge chasm between God and myself and it feels as if He is so very far away. Call out to Him now, stop the cycle of sin that has been breaking you down. I promise you, there will be a lot less heartache in your life if you take that step of faith and ask the Creator to set you free again. 
    Much love,

    Sarah

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  • Blossoms

    I really don’t have much to say, but I wanted to share a few of the photos I took around our yard the last couple days. We have this gorgeous plum tree in our yard that is in full bloom and smells absolutely marvelous. I love this time of the year as everything is beginning to flower and the bees are out and about.

    The acreage where we live has an abundance of flowering trees and bushes. I have been spending so much time out enjoying it all, and just realized I took 400 pictures!

    Viola’s are one of my favourite springtime flowers and they bloom so early in the year (sometimes when there is still snow on the ground!) and are always such a cheerful sight.

    Bumble bees! They are so cute and photogenic. I’ve loved watching them since I was little.

     
    Late spring is one of my favourite seasons, when everything is starting to green up and flower, birds begin arrive, and the sky is so blue!
    Is it spring where you live? What is your favourite type of flower? 
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  • Reflections on Greece


    This morning I was thinking of my trip to Greece. Three and a half months ago I boarded a plane and went on a crazy adventure. It seems so long ago, but almost as if it was yesterday as well. How strange to think of who I was then. My first international missions trip. My second time out of Canada. I was so frightened when I got on that plane and flew away. I had never done anything like it before and I am a shy and quiet sort of person. I love being at home and with my family, and here I was leaving them! It hurt so much to say goodbye to them all, even though I knew it was only for a short time.
    I’m glad I went. It was one of the most difficult, most rewarding, life-changing things I’ve done. I was so unprepared for anything and everything and I had to depend on God in a way I never had before. I was completely out of my depth and felt like I was a failure, but how much greater was God in those moments! ‘He will never leave you nor forsake you.’ I had to lean into that truth and find my strength in Him. I certainly had none of my own! The only place I wanted to be was at home, but I was far, far away from there. 
    As I look out the window at the greening grass, tiny leaves coming out on the trees, and the beautiful blue sky I am struck at how different it looks here than in Greece. It was beautiful there, but nothing like Alberta’s countryside! Familiarity. Greece was so very different and I craved something familiar. This sounds like I didn’t enjoy my trip, but I really did. I was just so far from everything I knew that I felt as if I was adrift. I guess I was able to relate more with the refugees in that feeling. They too are adrift, out of their depth and comfort zone. I was going to be going home, though, at the end of my trip. I would arrive in Canada, go home to my family, and be safe and comfortable once again. Not these people. They no longer have a home, many have lost family members and they long for a place to be safe. 
    I think of the many people I saw at the refugee camp. Faces weary from travel and fear. The longing for a place to call home and a place to be safe again. The hope in their eyes as they talked about the place they had heard was paradise: Germany. I can’t help but wonder how many of them have arrived in Germany. How many have been told there is no room for them and they must go back to Greece? I cannot imagine their grief. I wish there was something I could do. I can see their faces in my mind’s eye, the faces of their children. I prayed that I would never forget them. I do not want to forget what I saw and heard. Seared in my memory I can see them still. So tired, so afraid, so full of hope for the future. 
    I did not come back the same. I am a different person. My eyes were opened to the heartbreak of the refugees. I grew in my faith and dependence on God. I learned more about the person I am and became more confident. Sometimes I wonder if this trip that God called me to was more for me than for the refugees. I learned and changed so much in that short week. I was only a small part in the refugees’ journey, but it made an impact on them and a huge impact on me. It was life-changing.
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  • Time


     “A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted- mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more.”
                    ~Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer
    I saw that quote the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. There are quotes or songs that I hear that make me pause in my day. Often they are achingly beautiful, bittersweet and mournful. They draw me back to blurred memories and sound hauntingly familiar. Is it the cry of my soul? This particular quote made me pause and think about one of God’s greatest gifts to us: time. How often do we just let it pass us by because we think it will never end? I like to take it as my right, it’s my time, forgetting that God has given it to me to be used wisely. Filling my days with useless things, I spend hours on the computer in boredom rather than searching out fulfilling opportunities. I wonder how much time has passed through my hands without me noticing. It scares me really. Every moment is a gift. I have a finite amount of time to live. How should I live knowing that life is only temporary here? I am failing all too often with my time. Is this how God would have me live? Will I arrive in heaven at the end of my days and hear Him say I wasted the time He provided? No. That is not how I want to live. I do not want to take the moments of each day for granted, expecting to live forever. Time goes quickly and I want to do my best not to waste it. Time is so precious and none of us know how long we have to live. Let us use the time God has given us wisely! 
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  • True Self


    How often we hear the advice of embracing who we really are! Just let go of others expectations and be yourself! 
    Embrace my true self?
    If so, then I would be: uncaring, selfish, rude, greedy, self-centered, entitled, unforgiving, loveless, and many more things.
    No, I do not want to embrace my true self.
    I want to embrace the person who Christ is changing me to be: caring, serving, kind, generous, selfless, blessed, forgiving, and compassionate.
    Not that I can’t have good qualities without Christ, but He helps me to be those things. He helps me to give up the bad qualities I am naturally inclined towards. With Him I become a better person. Not that I never mess up, I mess up all the time and do what I want instead of what God wants. In those times though, He is there to help me get back on track. With His help and grace I can do better. 
    “At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Saviour, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.”
                                                                    Titus 3: 3-7
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  • Greece: more pictures

    This was the door to the room I was staying in while I was in Greece. I love interesting doors and had to take a picture!

    This was what we saw outside our room. There was a castle at the top of the hill. At night the lights all around the castle would light up, unfortunately I didn’t get a picture of it.

    A view from the castle!

    One of the doorways.

    Another view!

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