“Bogged down. Stressed. Anxious. Suffocated.
I feel like I’m fighting for each breath.

 Suffocating, taking each day slowly as it drags me down. Just trying to survive, forget about thrive. I survive each day, but do I live it?”

I wrote that on February 2. How dismal, isn’t it? I felt so hopeless, so drained of life. Seeing what I wrote then and seeing how I feel now, I can see how much has changed. Often I feel like I’m never growing, stagnant and drowning. It’s hard to see change when it comes ever so slowly. 

I am still struggling to keep my head up, but I know that I’m coming out of the depression I suffered this winter. Spring is coming and I feel the joy and excitement of the changing seasons. Even though I know the depression will come back soon enough, as it always does, I feel hope for better things. I feel like the fog is starting to dissipate and like I am actually aware of the things going on around me. And the biggest thing is that I feel. Looking back, I was having a hard time feeling anything. It was that strange paradox of feeling nothing and absolutely everything all at the same time. Though I still feel like that at times, I know I’m improving. 

It’s so good to know that I am doing better. Seeing my progress from even just a couple months ago gives me hope. Having felt so low for so long was a lonely and hopeless place to be. I didn’t think I’d ever get past it, and that I had to accept my depression and anxiety as my new normal. Even though I have suffered from anxiety since I was two (no joke) and it really has been my normal, I am so excited to be making progress, no matter how slow. Depression also has been very prevalent in my life, but there too I am making strides in managing it.

So, dear readers, that has been my life lately. A time of changing seasons, much the same as the seasons changing here in Canada. Winter has given way to Spring, and all is beginning to stir. I am so grateful for my family having supported me during this last bout of mental illness, but ultimately I must give all praise to God for having carried me when I could no longer stand. This season of my life I have had to realize that I can’t do everything on my own. I can’t always push through and make it, I can’t rely on my own strength. Because sometimes (more like always) my strength fails and runs out; sometimes I can’t keep pushing on and make it, but God can. He is so much stronger than I. Maybe you are going through  a hard time in your life, and you aren’t sure where to turn. I hope that you will seek the strength of the One who made you, and find comfort in Him.

“I lift my eyes to the hills-
     where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
      the Maker of heaven and earth.”